Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
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I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”