People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
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I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.