me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
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My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.