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ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*