REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
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When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
favorite tropes as memes
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Can. I. Help. You.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.