When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
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Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.