New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
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My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”