[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
You Might Also Like
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.