“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
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I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Whoa… oh I see lol
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Worth the read.