Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
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When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
If you need a laugh.. 😅