Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
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I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.