Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
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“HELP WITH CAT”
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…