I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
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The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts