wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
You Might Also Like
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup