I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
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Finally! 😈
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Breaking news:
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
💻🤡
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it