[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
You Might Also Like
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Are you ok, human???
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
I might carry a baby with one hand.