Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
You Might Also Like
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
no regrets
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me