Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
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My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key