Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
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I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂