wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
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Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Where is your GOD now????