My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
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OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”