frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
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Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
ACED my prostate exam!
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.