Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
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I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Kermit goes Blue.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up