Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
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GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.