Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
You Might Also Like
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late