My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
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Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”