That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
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I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go