someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
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If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote