I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
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“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Its true…
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so