Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
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Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.