“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
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[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
They grow up so quick
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
are they though??
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead