Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
You Might Also Like
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?