Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
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I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers