Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
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RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
When you kidnap a writer.
Probably my best painting.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
How can I say no to this ?
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
he looks great for his age
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.