i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
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Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Realize this:
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
The point of your 20s
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.