Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
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the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Seas the day!!!!
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?