I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
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We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
How does one answer this?
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”