BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
You Might Also Like
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…