-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
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People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
CRYING
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.