Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
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I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*