I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
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seems fine
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?Me: Sure.
11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?