good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
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I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.