STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
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Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Somewhere in an alternate universe
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.