Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
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*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.