Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
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Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.