Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
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Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Sticker placement is key.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.