7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
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All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws