College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
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“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
How about daylight saves us for once
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.