When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
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Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
ACED my prostate exam!
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god