if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
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*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no